Thursday, November 29, 2007
Oh, how the mighty fall.
I spent six hours on the phone with this bruised Ego, this disillusioned man-child. I was bewildered and perplexed by the time i got off- still in my pajamas. I was abused, and he abused my care for him, my concern for my own place in the family. He wanted to hurt me. He made me literally sick.
The next day i couldn't focus at work. I could not. I felt sick in my stomach, light-headed, fuzzy. i felt bruised up inside.
i felt out of control and i was... i was at the mercy of his tantrum.
my dad has earned his crisis: he has been the chief contributor to it. My dad deserves to rage: lots that is presently making him crazy is not entirely his fault.
But not a bit of it is mine either, so i am not paying the tab.
I am going on with my life, the only one i have. I will not invest in his breakdown, though i honestly hope he regains his footing.
Once my aged and wise therapist held my hand and told me that i could not be the stabilizing force in my family. He told me he understood why i had tried, that he believed me when i said that i played the part i did because i feared the chaos that would ensue if i did not.
He told me I had to let happen in them what would happen-
and now I am doing that. I let them destabilize in my absence because i cannot struggle with them forever.
my son is growing up too quickly for that.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
I really need to identify with the characters or there is no point in my watching... i don't inherently value stories about people i do not relate to.
That said, i am in the fifth and final season of Six Feet Under and
Hot F-in Damn.
that is what i have to say. I have to give props to my girl, Nancy Oliver, for her mad screenwriting skills...
okay, ditching the vernacular i want to talk about a special crazy phenomenon that i just experienced.
In this season, without giving too much away about a show that aired its final season about three years ago (a shout-out, too, to the netflix people who keep old shows fresh for years) ,
Nate breaks up with Brenda because they fight too much; he's tired of it and they don't seem to "fit."
And i got totally sucked into that world and remembered that not that long ago Chris and I were seemingly ill-fit, and though we weren't really fighting with each other, it felt as if we had been fighting for our life-together for as long as either of us could remember and we were tired.
sick-tired, nauseous-tired, dreadfully-tired, bone-tired. marrow- tired. and we felt like the brave thing to do, i definitely thought that the brave thing to do, would be to break-up: to walk away and cut our losses and face the world as individuals. individuals, the parts that cannot be divided being the ones we keep. let go of each other and stop fighting the very matter of reality and give in.
We didn't belong together it seemed. fate was apparently against us and we were
i have struggled with a dreadful sense of fatalism probably since my youngest sister died. it makes sense, you know? And this was that all over again- the need to let someone go even though everything inside of you is begging and pleading for that someone to stay, to live with you, to be with you. So i mustered up the idea and then the will to face that maybe, just maybe,
we were doomed. star-crossed.
It was at first a terrifying thought and since it was i knew i had to face it, i knew i did. so i held the thought in my mind and tried to embrace it with my heart and sat with the notion for about a month. yes, a month. for a month i did not look away from the tired sad thing we had become together, from the misery and the despair, from the existential questions that seemed legion.
I did not say to myself that God was with Us or that we would See with our Eyes some Good from this Pain. I did not make excuses for the rot and decay of the years set into our blood and bones; a sepsis and cancer. I did not look away to some better future.
as an exercise of the moment. to be present and to be brave.
tonight, watching nate and brenda collapse reminded me of that haunted time. the echoes of disappointments and disapprovals, of unfinished business and buried hopes filled my ears. i heard and i remembered the hollowness and illness.
and no one around me could answer for it, because it isn't the question of the mind hearing or realizing that the night has passed.
but of the ear listening past the echoes for what is now being whispered.
i heard something better tonight after the echoes.
something solid and something hale.
something set aright,
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Fall in Illinois is a beautiful thing and my little one and I took it upon ourselves to relish it by collecting leaves and examining ladybugs in the tree by our house. It's brisk here mostly, sometimes cold but every now and then it is warm again. In other words, it is annoyingly inconsistent.
Halloween was short-lived but really fun while it lasted. Judah is an A-list trick-or-treater. He scurried up to the houses and managed to get out
Some pics of my little dragon:
This is a very scary dragon, as you can probably tell by his very scary stance. I believe Judah stated his goal was to "thcare them thso bad they run away crying and thcreaming!"
People dutifully pretended they were scared by a three-and-a-half foot tall adorable green thing.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
I feel most here, in Illinois, when i am at home, cleaning. I feel more connected with my space when i am cleaning it. Probably because I have to notice it, bit by bit. I can be so wrapped up in the atmosphere of my mind that i miss the material details.
I keep thinking i would do better here if i worked four days instead of five... but i don't think it's financially realistic-- at this point anyway- we aren't even sure what IS realistic as we are just getting a solid idea of what our every month responsibilities will be.
WE have been eating at home more than I ever have before and- wow!- it is so much cheaper to eat at home. No wonder i ran out of money before the end of the month- seriously, I have eaten out enough times to last me a life time. no, really, THAT MANY TIMES.
Judah and i spent the whole day at the mall--
we went for a costume. I know, it is last-minute, but i have issues with money. I can't spend it until... damn, it is the last latest minute and I MUST purchase-- a case of need, or it is under fifteen dollars. The best situation is a combination of the two. I know, i am weird.
So i went to a couple of stores with no real luck- then i went to the Children's Place and (more proof that the Universe is on my side) I found the Cutest little Dragon Costume EVER! for $4.99!
I don't even need to tell you how cute Judah looks in it...he fills it out great. I'll post pictures, k?
I am not sure if it's good or bad but even Judah listed the getting of the costume for "five bucks" as a highlight of our day. Is that too soon to teach bargain-hunting? what about plain ol' cheapness?
Did i tell you that Chris is working overnight and that i admire him for it? That he does an Incredible job about not pitying his lot too much?
Did i tell you that I am not cut out for the job i have? That i am not naturally detail-oriented and that i am in fact quite flighty about such things?
I knew that going into this position and i feel pangs of insecurity whenever i make dumb mistakes ( about three times a week!)
i was hoping to develop these skills...
today i watched a lot of TV.
Some Gilmore Girls...Rory Gilmore is my fashion muse, by the way.
Some Six Feet Under Season Five...damn great writing.
Some Five Days...damn you HBO with your premium prime time line-up.
tell my dad what he can do to make it up to me and Chris.
Develop Real Live Budget-- we've been rounding and guesstimating thus far.
Hold proper staff meeting.
Invest in ways to get music flowing throughout the house...I need music.
Take Chris out to show him how much i appreciate him.
Friday, October 26, 2007
I feel so different from how i felt in San Antonio. I have been pondering the themes of proactivity vs. passivity. It sometimes becomes a mantra of Becoming Creative, Living Creatively.
I am enthused about this new chapter and its themes.
There is great continuity for me between what I have been before and what i am now becoming-- if i think about deconstruction as a precursor to construction-- winter becoming spring, the flow of life and ofcourse, death.
True that the dead of winter can sometimes feel final, can threaten forever with its chill.
But i am sowing now, is spring when you sow seed?
I am creating my own life! How fun! What a gift to find myself with the resources to define the moment, and God help me to seize it.
In the past week, i sense i have forgotten. There are steps i am taking, and in the taking i know that I could not have done the things i am now doing before. I remember that i could not, but i don't remember, really, the feeling of not being able to. And how invigorating to know feel myself able to. . .
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Zora Neale Hurston
As you all know by now, i have returned to Illinois. I have returned, as if in a dream.
The incredible force it took to get here, that is all foreign to me, so i feel transported here, though indeed I brought myself here in a rented car.
And i bet you thought i would be happy. I bet you expect posts with picutres of my new life with a matching smile, and I may do that with our Halloween photos.
But right now what i know for sure is why i left Illinois in the First Place my dearests!
It was asking the most ridiculous questions. The most scary questions, questions ranging from the practical... how to pay for a baby while in school?. . .to the existential: what in the world am i going to do with my degree?
I opted out of that quiz. I strongly suspected that i was headed nowhere and courting poverty.
Moving back means i suspect otherwise now.
Oh to refuse to ask the questions, to live in San Antonio and play at a life with the most convenient answers, was absolute torture, the most exquisite pain at times.
Oh to move back, to listen to the questions, to ask them, to open myself to some other answer not yet written for me to read, not yet written by my own hand. . .
is not cake in the afternoon, darlings.
I am trying to create a life for myself and i am not creative in that sense... so accustomed to being a passenger, so pleased to let myself be overpowered have i always been that now, now the task of creaing my own way seems severe... severe!
i am now so easily frustrated.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
A moment fully realized is the rare commodity. Am I the only one who wants to know? To peer into the fabric of the second that the words are uttered, the ones you hold to your heart like a talisman against the little deaths that bite at everything precious in a day. What is this symbiosis? Blood and breath fight meaningless and monotony. These are our struggles- to strengthen our pulses, to enlarge our lungs.
His eyes have a ring of mossy green inside a caramel tinged brown and they are more to me than anything has ever been. He sleeps upstairs and my world is balanced in that bed, so fragile am I now: I am no stronger than a three year old’s frame.
How could I not be religious? Be spiritual? When I know that the best parts of myself are walking around outside of me now and are designed to be my remains when I am gone from this earth. when I am in the earth still I’ll walk the earth.
The feet I wash with chocolate shampoo sometimes will carry my heart into the future.
So I pray.
We make tacos together the three of us, then we watch Scrubs.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
not that good at meeting them, though i am trying.
i Am Trying.
And still this job is kicking my butt. so much stuff to do and all of it multi-tasking and detail-oriented. MURDER!
it is killing me.
In other news, we have moved into a townhome. Really nice. it has a really nice layout! I have three levels. the first is a two-car garage and a room for Chris to play music in, the second and main floor is wooden througout- the kitchen, breakfast nook, dining room and living room. The upstairs is nicely carpeted, has a HUGE master bedroom and two other smaller rooms... one for Judah and one for my office.
and the boxes Are Everywhere.
the stress has been sky-high lately.
Monday, September 3, 2007
We met a realtor at a townhome this morning and it was a really good layout for us, near to an excellent elementary school, near to our friends.
There were, as to be expected, some minor details about the home that were less desirable to me. I am hoping that we could, should we get the place, change out the lighting.
Toward that end, we spent some two hours getting dazed and, yes, confused! at Ikea. I actually felt dizzed by the frenzy.
I have been hemmed in by traditionalist taste all my life and i have no idea how to be creative with fashion or home decor with any degree of self- confidence. Still, i think this part should be fun, so i am trying to get over my need for "correctness" in decorating myself or my place.
I've spent some time looking at funky wallpaper and cushions and i am thinking i will start there.
oh, and I think we are getting an ORANGE! couch.
if anyone out there has any good reasons why i should not be joined to an orange couch, please speak up.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
part of it is that i have been busier than ever before
part of it is that i have been happier lately and i don't blog happiness as easily as melancholy and
part of it is, was. . .
embarrassment and fear.
We took a leap of faith in moving here, with no cars and only one job. on the outside, and even sometimes from the inside, that made me look/feel crazy at times. Who does that? Who moves with three year old without a place to live or transportation?
A desperate person can sometimes seem crazy- or be crazy.
I think i was a little crazy!
But i don't think the craziness was in the moving, but in the staying so damn long against myself, my own needs and wants.
Our lives were out of control, because we had given up control to someone not at all fit to make any decisions for us! That is what we did, in essence, by allowing ourselves- myself- to be manipulated so extensively.
Emotionally, psychologically, maritally...financially. All out of control.
I was bereft of any power over my own life because i had given it to someone else a long time ago and i didn't know how to get it back, how to appropriate it for myself.
So i did all i could, i moved. With no job or car, with nothing except enough money to last a little while.
Crazy move, but the only one i could live with.
So i haven't blogged about the transition because i wasn't sure what would become of us and i was embarrassed by it all, the irresponsibility!
At the same time i was praying for the opportunity to take responsibility and authority over my own life, i was feeling my most irresponsible and resource-less.
But i thought you should know,
now that I know, now that i know how the Universe has answered that
Crazy Leap of Faith:
We both got cars, great cars from carmax!
My job is what i asked for and expected and i am grateful for it!
Chris got the job we needed to make it here, in Chicago- a major promotion-- doubled his salary!
We feel great about our crazy decision. Sometimes a person has to get a little desperate to make a necessary chage- rock bottom or what you will.
Thank you for your patience and for the hand-holding.
more to come.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
I have been dropping dead, passing out at around ten nearly every night. I multi-task all day long and by ten o'clock i am done-in. I am completely off the mark with my weight too, and have been irregular in ways i never am... pleasant! and if that doesn't convince you i am in over my head, then consider the fact that i had my first ever case of ... was it vertigo? i just felt, for the better part of more than three hours, that i had been on some crazy carnival ride.
It is kind of getting to me.
Still, there is good in Chicago for me. I earn more, which is nice right now and we are looking at property and getting used to ourselves in a different zip code. Judah seems to be doing really well, seems to like his pre-school, seems to laugh harder and more often now. Either that or i notice it more fully now and either way, or both- i feel sturdier because of it. I take heart in Judah's belly laughter.
We are with friends (different ones than intially) who are taking such an amazing attitude about our presence and really welcoming Judah into their fold. (Liz's link is Online Therapy-she has some too cute posts about our too cute kids being too cute together). Their open door has been the difference-making factor in our being able to take root here at all. We're going to try to stay by them wherever we move.
Chris has an important meeting tomorrow at two so if you pray, please do so for him.
I am gearing up for fall in terms of FASHION!! i am really looking forward to shopping Simply Vera at Kohl's this fall. In other news, i've got an awkwardish haircut and ten extra pounds dampening my excitement. ah, ambivalence.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
We are staying with friends in a very small space in a suburb of Chicago. I feel i am a burden, a leech and that is a horrid unpleasant feeling.
The further i get into my life here, the more unfamiliar the territory of emotions gets for me. I am sometimes happy, sometimes unreasonably tired, sometimes energetic and other times i get caught in a off-color mood. Change is hard i think, and we have had nothing of stability for what feels like forever now. I try not to expect my feelings to be all sameness and reliability, but that would be so nice right now.
i am behind on everybody else's life, i miss you girls.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Monday, July 9, 2007
Leaving San Antonio this time was just that, the push of a domino that i knew would cause a hundred more to fall.
They are falling, the details are coming together, in just exactly the ways that Chris and I thought they would. He saw some things happening more clearly than i did- he said he suspected for more than a year that my dad would hit him. He gets that stuff, the stuff that has to do with seeing through people and into what they really mean and what they might do.
I am good at looking upward and inward. I look at God and i look into myself these days and i try to bring what is inside into harmony with the melody i hear God humming...such a different tune than i thought i would hear.
Chris and i are really different people at this juncture, but we are miraculously in sync- we're coming to the same conclusions in completely different ways.
i am so grateful for this, and in gratitude, i look upward.
I leave this Saturday for a week of training and i will be staying with a very dear friend and her family. I am looking forward to having the time to myself, without Chris and Judah, to establish familiarity at work--without distraction. But i haven't been away from either one of them for so long since before Chris and I were engaged.
It won't be easy and it feels kind of like a big deal.
i Like who i am becoming, as a result of that push of the domino- as they fall around me, they force me into a very narrow space where i can't be anybody but myself. It is stressful, but it's the right kind of stress.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Judah is admittedly pretty fresh, being only three years into this world and still having so much living to do he can't begin to channel the stale, beaten-down energy that Chris and I can on the Wrong Day in the Wrong Year (est. 2004-2007). Truly we can, Chris and I, double over onto ourselves, contortionists of listlessness on top of depression! we can overwhelm whole cities with our emotional grey.
We can be pained and painful to be around.
and i admit that with a funny pride that knows that even in all that we have stayed together, grown closer and made our way to this half-way house, Chris' childhood home.
Here, no blue-skies for sure, but here, we are better. we are some newer versions of ourselves: appreciative for the new chapter that might not have been started, fierce about the border to our home, the one built in our hearts. Don't knock on the door unless you have kindness and grace with you, because we aren't interested in peddlars of despair, doubt, insecurities and the like. We know better than to let you in, we'll be mad at you if you knock.
Us against the world? not close. In fact, us and the world: what we have always wanted.
I sometimes write down a list of my girlfriends, names from undergrad and grad school, names of people reading this very blog and i write the middle names (if i know them)of my dears in pretty cursive. I look at the list: it is long and satisfying. It is the list that tucks me in at night, the blanket of stars i sleep under, each name gives me hope for hope- all my real friends are wild about hope.
I am beginning to reimagine Chicago with that list in my heart. Chicago was the literal mainfestation of my fears: i have felt the world too much for me, cold and ruthless, as if i could die in the snow on Chicago's front porch and she might just step over me on her way to work. I fled that city with my newborn, a refugee to the Sun.
This time it is different: i challenge my youthful perceptions. Chicago was also kind to me, glittery but also welcoming, if grey, i always had invitations to a campfire or dinnertable. I was never without friends, i was never jobless, heck i don't think i ever ran out of money there...
So i am getting back together with Chicago-- i know about the wind and cold. The good outweighs the bad. I think i am going to find the City as I expect to: i no longer expect to be abused or neglected. I am trusting that we can make it, the three of us, fresh as we are again, with hope and good intentions, our intentions.
1. Judah intends to ride every elevator in that city, starting with the Sears' Tower.
2. I intend to buy everyone flannel pjs and get that illusive master's degree from my dream college.
3. Chris intends to-- well that is all for him to write out i think.
4. we all intend to thrive.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Judah went to pre-school today and the hours always seem to fly by.
I had a lot of me time today- seems to be the reason I reflect on the day with a decent amount of satisfaction- though there is so much in the air.
I seem a weirdly unmotivated person lately. I have had strange thoughts that all seem to suggest that actually i do not want to do anything with my life.
i want to be cloistered!
but when i survey my life's course as of late, it seems to be calling me out, to be making me suddenly accountable. I have always detested the parable of the talents. I see that as my conflict this last week. I have no desire to be accountable for my "talents." I don't want to make any decisions that require that i use them, which i have already done! maybe i doubt them that much?
I recently read Virginia Woolf's A Room of One's Own and she exorts women to live by [our] wits. Blasted Woolf! how much easier to hide in a job that requires virtually no thinking!
So I sign up to perform for Life. Yeah, i did that. I said, Look , I am going out on my own. Give me opportunities and I will use them. Enable me, i will perform.
I didn't say that with conviction! I mean i said it because i was convinced of things that led me to deduce that that was the right thing to say.
is tres diferent!
Now i am feeling all the weight of making the "right" decision because it was right!
Last night i had a dream i was accepted to a very good PhD program. I was happy.
maybe my sleeping self is trying to motivate me.
Friday, June 8, 2007
When we moved to Tulsa, I felt like i was turning in my real thesis, the one i have been working on without knowing, the one about My Life.
It seemed to me that i had acquired lots and lots of information and had plenty of evidence to support my thesis:
I know what is best for me, i know i want to move, i know the world, though not perfect is not so harsh that i cannot take this risk.
I also know that my life is My Homework, My Assignment. I know that i am meant to live it governed by my faculties, making my own mistakes so that i can also fully own all my triumphs.
In the end analysis, this road isn't about my dad and how bad he is. It is about how i see things, how i see the world. I don't see it as rigged, in totality, against me. I don't see rootedness as my immediate goal, though one day i hope to God to get there. I see different commodities as more immediate necessities. I think that is okay, valid, even if my dad's way really works for him. I conjecture that my way is what will work for me. More than one right answer, a thesis is about supporting your views.
the past three years have been about acquiring the perspective and experience to support my own views. they are different, slightly bohemian and sometimes a little bit radical. they will change over time. But i will not sell-out, whole-sale style, to someone else's views ever again.
I am committed to myself. I am committed to myself.
So when i set out for Tulsa, it was turning in my Life's thesis: I was ready to be graded on my own work. I literally said to the Universe, Here i am: Support Me in This Trajectory or Slit my Throat. Like that was the subtitle.
Two weeks ago I got a call from the company i want to work for.
I got the job.
They want me there in a month.
aye yai yai.
Friday, June 1, 2007
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Turns out that my parents are most definitely reading my old blog. They are reading it and getting offended, this i know from the letter we received yesterday. So out with the old one.
i wanted a fancier blog. like sandra's. or maybe michelle's at La Vie.
but i needed one at this moment, and this'll do.
welcome, hope you enjoy the new pics.