Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving!

a few holiday season pics...with new highlights and a tiny (8yr old) dog named toby. Toby and Judah have been friends since Jujie was three months old and they love each other dearly. I love this last picture of Judah. I hate how big he's getting.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Monday Morning

It's Monday and i think that i am half-way through my time in San Antonio. I got here on the 13th of September, which means I have been here approximately nine weeks. I aim to be back in Boston by the beginning of February and no later, sooner would be lovely.

I am looking forward to the Holiday Season. Last year Judah watched Paula Dean and the Barefoot Contessa make their versions of Thanksgiving dinner. This year I want to include him in the fun, so sometime today, we will be shopping for our ingredients. I think we may make the potatoes and the sweet potato casserole.

We won't be seeing Chris until December 8th. We're spending the 8th through the 16th in Boston. We're all looking forward to it, as this will be the first time Judah sees our place. the 8th is also our seventh wedding anniversary-- it'll be fun to be together for that.

Judah's last soccer game was Saturday afternoon and it was too cute. really, the little Tiger team has come SUCH a long way. To commemorate the end of the season, their coach presented each player with a trophy. Judah LOVES his trophy, carries it around, sometimes even kisses it!

Probably one of the biggest struggles i have is paying attention to the concrete, Real World details of my life. I am almost always distracted by existential questions and/or personal psycho-analysis. Because i am so distracted the following is true: I drive bad, i cook worse, i forget to take vitamins and sometimes even forget to give Judah his morning allergy meds. these are just examples. I am getting better, but it is Such a Struggle. it is hard for me to even be motivated for it, except to think that if I don't pay attention to these details, i will suffer consequences. I don't want to be neglectful.

and, i don't want to be obsessive, either. lately, i notice recurring motifs/thoughts, and the net result is that i have become somewhat bored with my thinking process-- it tends to be angsty, somewhat neurotic/obsessive, unproductive and, now, predictable.

I need to shake that up!

So this blog is an attempt to pay attention to the externalities I usually fail to engage. it reads a little like those posts about what one is having for breakfast, but for me it represents real growth. boring though it may be.=)

Have a good monday!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Monday, November 10, 2008

Friday, November 7, 2008

in San Antonio or, "and never the Twain shall meet"

I am in San Antonio, right now, sort of bunkering down in my life. I am pretty sure i passed my comps, now i am to write the Dreaded Thesis.

I get a lot of Starbucks these days, out of necessity. I have been tired more days than not and the caffeine makes all the difference. I have started associating the lattes with "treating" myself, which i find humorous. I guess in the way of vices and splurges, a latte is a relatively tame choice.

have you had their new hazelnut hot chocolate? it's a revelation and i never call things "revelations."

my life has been profoundly interesting these days, to me anyway. I have become totally free, through some rather complicated experiences, from my father-figure issues. Some of those experiences, you have read about right here and others I am not sure what to do with. My relationships with God, Chris, my dad, and literally every important male friend has changed, in what feels like a short amount of time. but the truth is that is has been long time coming, no?

A former self, a sweet girl, rather dependent, is giving way to some strange current incarnation I hardly know at all. The best thing about this metamorphosis is that i deeply trust myself now.

(i am aware that you are not excited about Obama, but i am. i am not even sure why I am. i think it has more to do with Potential and less to do with my personal investment in Obama. I think he could do great things, and that feeling, that hope, i love it.

Although, i am far from being sure that he will do great things.)

Being away from Chris has been a gift, one that i think he has given me. As a recovering co-dependent (*wink,wink*) I had often envisioned my spending time away from my husband. This time has been one in which i face myself, a rather dark side, and asked myself whether my life was one i truly identified with: not one i believed in, but one i lived in, one which represents the Truth as i am it.

It turns out, mercifully, that it is-- my life is the one I belong in.
And i am so grateful to Chris for his patience and faith in me, which isn't dependent on the answer to those questions being what it SHOULD be. I could be any incarnation of myself and Chris would respect it.

my respect and appreciation for him have grown huge.
it is far from any definition of perfect, but
i love my life.


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