Counting

It is 10 am ish. Judah left for school about two hours ago, and since then I have been doing some research. But turning my thoughts back to him, this morning, I feel so grateful. At eight years old Judah is a strong boy, with his own ever-renewing interests, an appetite for life, a witty sense of humor, and a highly sensitive emotional life. I can't believe the person he has become already. He is just gorgeous, big brown eyes and floppy red-tinged brown hair, milky skin. I am so grateful.

We found out, on Friday, that I am carrying a little girl. I knew it. It's too complicated to go into, but I knew that this baby would be a little girl and we are so happy. Her name is Julia Noelle. I love her so much already and cannot wait to see her little face. I'm in my 23rd week and I've hit a nice spot wherein I am sleeping pretty well and have lots of energy.

For the first time in a long time, Chris has weekends off. I love it. He loves it. Two days off in a row makes it so much easier to relax. Our Saturdays are getting to be exercises in leisure and we are getting good at it. This Saturday seemed especially long.

It is a virtue to give thanks in every season, but in this season, it is so easy to do.

Morning

Sometimes I wake up really early and I swear, I am a morning person. My head is clear and my attitude is great, if I can wake up at 6. If I wake up at 7 or 7:30, I am an entirely different person.

The day is full- today i will be meeting with my advisor to discuss a book on pentecostalism. It is such a familiar subject that, really, I have to come from the place of an insider/expert because if there is anything I know, it is what it means to be and how to be pentecostal. and somethings, you just don't forget.

I've slept well the last two nights and it makes All the Difference. I have been thrown way out of alignment and had crazy tension and aches in my muscles. I have had carpal tunnel that wakes me up. Here is hoping that some of the interventions I am trying- the chiropractor and the masseuse-- can see me through the next five months. six really. the month after you birth a baby is such a tough time.

I approach this day with gratitude, because in so many ways, it could have been entirely different, and I am thankful for the specific blessings I enjoy right now.

Be well.

Maybe

Well, it has been almost two years and during that time I never felt like posting. Now, all of a sudden, I do.

I live in New Jersey.
I am in a PhD program, in Religious Studies.
I am five months' pregnant.

So, my plate is full.

What is the difference between a full plate and a running-over cup? I suppose it depends... but when your plate is full of blessings and opportunities, I think the difference is perspective. I am, indeed, taxed. So much is expected of my mind at school and even more, is that possible?, more is needed from me in this pregnancy.

it is not an easy pregnancy.

But it is a healthy one. So I am grateful.

In all this commotion, it is so easy to get overly, crazy-making busy. It gets hard for me to hear my own thoughts! Which brings me here. I want to be here because I have no time to be and every need for it. Because life is moving fast, does not seem to be slowing down, and I don't want to miss it.

{Speaking of missing}
Being so far away from Texas, I miss it. I do not miss what I thought I might. I am not given to missing spatial places, I miss, more often, time periods in my life, that kind of thing. But lately, I miss texas. I miss earthy Texas, the slower, grassy parts, the ones with star-filled skies at night and crickets.
And I miss San Antonio, down by La Villita. I won't try to tell you why i miss that particular place, but i do.

I try to ground myself here, in my new surroundings, but-
I find it so hard to be quiet and centered. Does anybody find that comes easily? Tell me your tricks.

There is so much more to write, but I don't want to do so all at once. I want a month's worth of posts that make me notice...

If you are reading this, I hope you are well.

Monday Morning

Honestly, Mondays hardly bother me at all. Everyday seems like a Monday to me, in that I feel each day has a certain amount of potential and it is my daily responsibility to answer for each day's possibilities. I am so stern, so austere. I only see it because my therapist would ask me questions like, how do you love yourself? what? or he might point out that I, my actual self, needs some motivation and a break, that I can not expect to just harvest each day with no reward. Whatever. for all that therapy, I am not exactly different now. I still think like i did, but now I criticise my thinking about it. today is a monday. it is, in fact, full of possibilities. these possibilities are not a burden, they are a pleasure, they are a gift, right? right?
we'll see.

What if today is a gift? sometimes I literally plan things that will take a long time so that I can look forward to watching something and falling asleep. I want the day to be over.
and the weirdest thing about it is that, if I thought about it for one minute, I would know what makes me happy, what makes me tick, is doing otherwise.

Let me get lost in the library. let it rain. let me grab coffee. let me look at big black and white photography books, read some new philosophical theory or psychological study. it is easy for me to charm my life...why don't i ever do it?

today is a monday. watch me charm the hell out of it.

Challenges

I think this will be a mini-post.
I have so many projects going on right now!

While it is a bit overwhelming, I feel happier.
One of them is a little piece of cotton-candy. More fun than anything else, pays nothing, but. . .sometimes the best times of our lives are like that. I started a podcast with two friends. Here is our advert for the second edition, which dropped this morning.

******podcast #2 is available! http://bit.ly/bcegYf you can also pick it up on itunes. smart, sexy, and smells good. it's the perfect 2nd date.******

Everything else is serious!
I am editing a professor's work, looking for a chapter in some of his many presentations... the more I edit, the easier it gets...and I like that... riding the learning curve.

I am working on a presentation that I will be sharing on March 4.

I have my own chapter to write.

All of these projects, they make me so self-conscious. I am out of the practice of turning things "in"--- and in this sense, all of these projects are being turned into peers. It's kinda frightening. The whole process has made me value you all, and your kindnesses, more.

Peace.

Resolutions

The time, it gets away from me.

Where was I? Oh, yes. The resolutions.

My biggest resolutions are psychological, and already under way.

In the past I have conceived of myself on a road that God has mapped out for me. Lots of people have a hallmark, sentimental version of this idea, but for good reasons, I was thoroughly convinced that only God could understand and map out my life. this led to bad things like: no goal setting, sense of powerlessness, depression and anxiety, no sense of personal responsibility for my own life and even sometimes, my own decisions. I was, in a sense, a sophisticated puppet.

for 2010, I have decided to give this up. I have been thinking this way for approximately seventeen years. yikes. Now, whenever I think of any possibility, I consciously refrain from thinking about it as possibly in or against God's plan for my life. I do not think that, if it is, then it will magically happen. I do not think there is nothing I can do to influence the outcome.
I have to rethink everything.

Seems like it should be exhilarating. But i suddenly feel really sleepy.=)
love.

Resolutions

I love the idea of making resolutions. I love the concept of changing for the better. Past New Year's Days have seen the perfect storms of my idealism, my optimism, perfectionism and naivete. I have, like many of you, resolved to lose hundreds of pounds, if you add them all up. I have channeled Oprah to envision my best life. I have tried to nurture my inner Martha, but have born her much false witness: yes, i will be cooking organic homemade meals all year long.

This year is a little different. I am a recovering secret-perfectionist. At thirty, I know too much to be considered naive, and not nearly enough to be considered really knowledgeable or wise. I have a few strengths, but lots of weaknesses, and this certainly puts a damper on my resolution-making zest.

Still, I remain idealistic and optimistic. I still want to be the best version of myself possible, even though I am unsure what constitutes "best." I still think that the world is what we make of it; a rosy-glasses, half-full kind of girl. Kind of woman.

And I am newly appreciating that how I spend my time is really all up to me. So for the next few days, I will be writing out my resolutions and their rationale. I mean to take them as seriously as I take myself. which is to say, somewhat, and to a point. I can laugh at myself, and in the end, i can laugh at these resolutions too, even if they whip me. hey, even that will be kind of funny.

Happy New Year. Happy 2010.