Wednesday, September 24, 2008


I am in Texas, as you know, and I am doing well and poorly at the same time. It doesn't even out to okay.

Maybe because this blog has been read by people I don't want reading it before, I am hesitant to explain too much of that sentence. We need a secret blog, where we can share secrets.

I am making efforts. I go to church here, twice a week- Tuesday morning ladies bible studies and Sundays to Christ Episcopal. I don't feel at home in either place but i get something, usually, from each place each time i go.

I try to take care of myself. I am not sure I ever mentioned before that I am particularly bad at this, by nature. I get too locked in my head to think about taking vitamins and exercising. I bite all my fingernails off in deep thought.

I am trying to be mindful of my physical needs. I just made myself lunch, real lunch, though i didn't really want anything at all.

I am headed to work tonight at a restaurant that is just fabulous. It serves chic American Latin Cuisine in an avant-garde atmosphere and tonight is my first full-fledged night on the floor. I am a pretty good waitress. I like to chat people up. I can forget practical items sometimes, not usually, and i think of the whole thing as an opportunity to pay attention to detail (see above) while actually getting paid.

Have you heard of OPI nail polish color "I am not really a waitress."

i feel that! but i don't hate waitressing, I don't. $2o-$30/hour. and little stress.

Jujie has been sick since i got here. he had spasmodic croup and not he has an ear infection.
on the upside, he is loving his swimming lessons.

more later, loves.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

new digs

I can't tell you how much I am going to miss this person.

this is where i live now, when i am not on assignment in texas, as a special student

these are some of the houses in our neighborhood. the picture at the top left is my favorite entryway so far. i love how colorful the houses are, the palette they produce together is just fun to look at.

and lots of people cultivate a shabby-chic looking garden, which i love as well.

The last one, with three houses, is my street.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

For Sandra and Hayden

Dear little Hayden,

You are wanted and loved and blessed already: You have sandra for a mother.
And in life, Hayden, few things matter as much as the disposition of our mothers.
I know your mother to be a courageous and thoughtful woman, full of encouragement and warm in her soul. It may not seem like much right now, when all you want is the warmth of her belly, but it will be everything to you later: that she can nurture a soul is her power for you and your blessing.

Sandra, everytime I picture you, I picture you with light all around you. You shine. You will shine in your role in Hayden's life.

Blessings to you both!


Sunday, September 7, 2008

Unfinished Business

I am going to spend the next three months- think in terms of a semester- studying in Texas, away from Chris.
I know, right? What am I thinking?

I am thinking that in Texas I have a job that will replace my IL salary and Judah is back at his old school. He will be in school Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, all day--which in San Antonio only costs $325 for the month. fyi: In Illinois, we paid $500 a month for two days a week & $720/mo for three days a week-- more than twice as much. But the real plus is that Judah's grandparent's are springing for it so that i can just focus on my tasks at hand.

My adviser is afraid, his exact phrasing was "afraid," that i won't finish my thesis and has asked me to take my comprehensive exams in October so that he can sleep knowing that if I do not actually finish my thesis, I will still get my degree. The comprehensive exams are on October 31st which means that I will need to study for approximately five to six hours a day, every day, to be ready for them.

I would be very proud of myself if i did well on them and, in some ways, it would take some pressure off.

on the other hand, my thesis is what i intend to use to recommend me for PhD programs in the strongest possible way in reputable schools. I want to write a fabulous thesis.

I have bad history in San Antonio and I have bad history with this thesis. This weighs heavily on my mind.

But i don't think it is realistic for me to live here in Boston, looking for a good-paying job while sending judah out into a new school which, to be honest, we could not at this point afford. Studying and research seem impossible in that equation.

If i want to do my studying and my thesis, my best chances seem to be in San Antonio.

Why will i succeed now when I have failed so thoroughly before?

There are lots of things that are different now than the first time i went to San Antonio to work on my thesis. The first is that Judah is not now an infant. He is quite big actually. He is in school and soccer and swimming lessons.
I am no longer depressed. I was terribly depressed after Judah was born for many reasons. I was directionless. Now i know I am working on the end of my degree program to apply to PhD programs in the early spring. And i have a real home, in Boston, with Chris. San Antonio is not a end i can not see past. I will be visiting.
I have a fabulous therapist and a best friend who both know my history in San Antonio and who will both be on deck to make sure history does not repeat itself.
I have made peace with my parents-- they have made peace with us. It happened in late spring i guess. apologies were made and accepted. They have been really supportive of our move to Boston-- they helped us pack up our other place and helped us get this nicer place (money).

I would be lying if i said I wasn't crazy- conflicted about all of this.
But i also know that success in this situation, me and them and chris and judah, for me is about interdependence and relationship. I could cut them out of my life and avoid a lot of angst and anxiety but i would be sad about it long-term.

If you are worried about me after reading this, I understand.

But i want to be clear that Chris and I are not secretly separating-- people seem to wonder if we are when they hear this plan. Chris is vehemently for my finishing as strongly as possible. He has high hopes for my PhD goals and more faith in me than I have in myself. He will miss me as I will miss him, but he feels certain that this is the thing for me to do. He has forgiven the past and feels my father has changed. I love that about him. he has faith in people.

And if it doesn't go well, for whatever reason or reasons, then i will come home to Boston after my comp exam.

cross your fingers for me.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Not Kansas.

I have to admit that at several points, and on one day in particular, i would have paid top dollar for ruby slippers that could have transported me home. Any home i have previously known would have been fine by me. The move was really stressful, to say it "plain," and on the day we moved in my nerves were shot. That night i shivered when it wasn't cold and paid to stay in a hotel instead of my new place without sheets. it was too much.

our new place is perfect perfect perfect. it has huge windows, three of which i am looking through as i type this sentence. We get good light, which is a priority of mine. The kitchen is huge and beautiful, with tons of cabinet space and fancy appliances. We have two bathrooms, which was exceptional in this little corner of Boston where lots of apartments are in Victorian homes- three floors with each getting only one restroom. I have walk-in closet space. I have a very civilized entryway and a fireplace. I hit the jackpot.

I also have a new roommate. Matt is our friend from Illinois and was living in Philadelphia when we asked him (three weeks ago) if he would like to move to Boston with us and now he is here. We are both INFPs on the Myers-Briggs, so he and i get along really well. Like brother and sister- soulwise. He also happens to get along swimmingly with Chris. Chris and I only considered the option for two minutes before we talked to Matt about it. so far it has been so very good to have company on this venture.

We walk around our neighborhood together, the three of us, and we take in our new spots. I have a charming bakery, one block from my place, where i have had a fabulous gruyere croissant and bought ciabatta bread for dinner tonight. The guys have found many, shall I say, watering holes and i have found the closest Target. So far, all good.

It is louder here i than i am used to and louder than i like. I am getting earplugs and a loud fan.

I have more to write, but it is so much more that i will write this update in installments... so



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