Friday, November 7, 2008

in San Antonio or, "and never the Twain shall meet"

I am in San Antonio, right now, sort of bunkering down in my life. I am pretty sure i passed my comps, now i am to write the Dreaded Thesis.

I get a lot of Starbucks these days, out of necessity. I have been tired more days than not and the caffeine makes all the difference. I have started associating the lattes with "treating" myself, which i find humorous. I guess in the way of vices and splurges, a latte is a relatively tame choice.

have you had their new hazelnut hot chocolate? it's a revelation and i never call things "revelations."

my life has been profoundly interesting these days, to me anyway. I have become totally free, through some rather complicated experiences, from my father-figure issues. Some of those experiences, you have read about right here and others I am not sure what to do with. My relationships with God, Chris, my dad, and literally every important male friend has changed, in what feels like a short amount of time. but the truth is that is has been long time coming, no?

A former self, a sweet girl, rather dependent, is giving way to some strange current incarnation I hardly know at all. The best thing about this metamorphosis is that i deeply trust myself now.

(i am aware that you are not excited about Obama, but i am. i am not even sure why I am. i think it has more to do with Potential and less to do with my personal investment in Obama. I think he could do great things, and that feeling, that hope, i love it.

Although, i am far from being sure that he will do great things.)

Being away from Chris has been a gift, one that i think he has given me. As a recovering co-dependent (*wink,wink*) I had often envisioned my spending time away from my husband. This time has been one in which i face myself, a rather dark side, and asked myself whether my life was one i truly identified with: not one i believed in, but one i lived in, one which represents the Truth as i am it.

It turns out, mercifully, that it is-- my life is the one I belong in.
And i am so grateful to Chris for his patience and faith in me, which isn't dependent on the answer to those questions being what it SHOULD be. I could be any incarnation of myself and Chris would respect it.

my respect and appreciation for him have grown huge.
it is far from any definition of perfect, but
i love my life.

4 comments:

Becky said...

obama - it is not that i am not excited -- it is that i am wary of being excited for i have been excited by politicians before, and my oh my, that was disasterous. i would have been as wary if not more wary of mccain. but i see the hope of potential, of becoming in him, while i acknowledge how easily that is derailed.

the growth of you - wow. the room chris has given you and the space you have allowed yourself is the embodiment of bravery.

comps - yea!

caffeine - i would like an iv.

Cara said...

I have hope about our future president, my hope is more crystallized around our black community really truly being able to let go of the past and forgive us and say 'From now on, it's about the future, not the past'. Let's grow as a nation, let's expect more of ourselves. I have seen a completely different demeanor in the black people that I am in contact with every day now, a sense of big pride. It's nice to see. Kind of like they had been living in a borrowed land, a borrowed existence; and now they are not.

Starbucks? I'm on the patch.

Kristen said...

Please give San Antonio a big warm hug for me. I love, love, love it there.

I am wary about Obama, too, and disagree with him on some things, but I'm also just excited to see what could happen!

Yay on the tests and on you writing. You will do and be great, I know. You already are!

Kelli said...

I am so with Becky on the iv. I have been extraordinarily tired lately, as well, and have been visiting Starbucks far to frequently. I am currently in love with their Peppermint Twist Mocha. Delish!

Yay for growth!

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