Monday, July 9, 2007

Dominoes

Lately, i have been letting the dominoes fall. I pushed them initially, but i knew that once I did, it would be too late to stop the reactions.

Leaving San Antonio this time was just that, the push of a domino that i knew would cause a hundred more to fall.

They are falling, the details are coming together, in just exactly the ways that Chris and I thought they would. He saw some things happening more clearly than i did- he said he suspected for more than a year that my dad would hit him. He gets that stuff, the stuff that has to do with seeing through people and into what they really mean and what they might do.
I am good at looking upward and inward. I look at God and i look into myself these days and i try to bring what is inside into harmony with the melody i hear God humming...such a different tune than i thought i would hear.

Chris and i are really different people at this juncture, but we are miraculously in sync- we're coming to the same conclusions in completely different ways.
i am so grateful for this, and in gratitude, i look upward.
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I leave this Saturday for a week of training and i will be staying with a very dear friend and her family. I am looking forward to having the time to myself, without Chris and Judah, to establish familiarity at work--without distraction. But i haven't been away from either one of them for so long since before Chris and I were engaged.
It won't be easy and it feels kind of like a big deal.
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i Like who i am becoming, as a result of that push of the domino- as they fall around me, they force me into a very narrow space where i can't be anybody but myself. It is stressful, but it's the right kind of stress.

7 comments:

aola said...

sounds like things are starting to come together for you guys

what are you going to be doing in Chicago?

cv said...

Strange Alchemy, this life.

Dominoes fall, chemicals react to make something new.

Was the HIT a literal physical blow? If so, what is up with that? (if you care to elaborate)... I grew up in a violent home, so I can't imagine tolerating this behavior as an adult. If it's not my biz, just say the word and I'll butt out.

I am excited for the 3 of you, a new beginning, a new home, and new adventures. This is going to be great!

Sandra said...

Oh Erica! I feel like we may be sisters in a different world! :)

cv said...

I am honored that you would share with me and allow me to reciprocate.

It's an odd thing growing up as an abused child. My mother used to strike terror into the very heart of me with just a few well chosen words. One time, as an adult, we were on the phone and I had laughed at her about some sillyness. We ended the call and a few minutes later she called back in THAT voice saying "Don't you ever call me that again..."

Something just snapped. I said "What are you gonna do? Get on a plane and fly up here and beat the shit out of me?" and I hung up and we didn't speak for a year.

I became a true adult that day. She has had some realizations since then as well, and has truly come to have real remorse for her actions.

One day, you just realize, you aren't going to take it anymore. From anyone.

All my best to you 3.

Kristen said...

The right kind of stress is good, i suppose. I'm glad you and Chris are in sync.

Melissa said...

Friend, you sound so much more whole, or "in your own" if that makes sense, than I have ever known you to be. Good for you making decisions that line up with your family's vision in spite of everything. Keep trusting your heart! We're praying for you guys as you make steps towards the windy city.

Sandra said...

RYC But we are both finding ourselves. You are defining your life apart from a family that was too controling and I'm finding my way back to my roots. We are each becoming what we are supposed to be and feeling our way along the not so well lit path of life. :)

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