We are fresher than we have been in recent memory: me, Chris and Judah.
Judah is admittedly pretty fresh, being only three years into this world and still having so much living to do he can't begin to channel the stale, beaten-down energy that Chris and I can on the Wrong Day in the Wrong Year (est. 2004-2007). Truly we can, Chris and I, double over onto ourselves, contortionists of listlessness on top of depression! we can overwhelm whole cities with our emotional grey.
We can be pained and painful to be around.
and i admit that with a funny pride that knows that even in all that we have stayed together, grown closer and made our way to this half-way house, Chris' childhood home.
Here, no blue-skies for sure, but here, we are better. we are some newer versions of ourselves: appreciative for the new chapter that might not have been started, fierce about the border to our home, the one built in our hearts. Don't knock on the door unless you have kindness and grace with you, because we aren't interested in peddlars of despair, doubt, insecurities and the like. We know better than to let you in, we'll be mad at you if you knock.
Us against the world? not close. In fact, us and the world: what we have always wanted.
I sometimes write down a list of my girlfriends, names from undergrad and grad school, names of people reading this very blog and i write the middle names (if i know them)of my dears in pretty cursive. I look at the list: it is long and satisfying. It is the list that tucks me in at night, the blanket of stars i sleep under, each name gives me hope for hope- all my real friends are wild about hope.
I am beginning to reimagine Chicago with that list in my heart. Chicago was the literal mainfestation of my fears: i have felt the world too much for me, cold and ruthless, as if i could die in the snow on Chicago's front porch and she might just step over me on her way to work. I fled that city with my newborn, a refugee to the Sun.
This time it is different: i challenge my youthful perceptions. Chicago was also kind to me, glittery but also welcoming, if grey, i always had invitations to a campfire or dinnertable. I was never without friends, i was never jobless, heck i don't think i ever ran out of money there...
So i am getting back together with Chicago-- i know about the wind and cold. The good outweighs the bad. I think i am going to find the City as I expect to: i no longer expect to be abused or neglected. I am trusting that we can make it, the three of us, fresh as we are again, with hope and good intentions, our intentions.
1. Judah intends to ride every elevator in that city, starting with the Sears' Tower.
2. I intend to buy everyone flannel pjs and get that illusive master's degree from my dream college.
3. Chris intends to-- well that is all for him to write out i think.
4. we all intend to thrive.