Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Day's end

It's nearly midnight and i sit in this strangely hot room and wonder where the day has gone.
Judah went to pre-school today and the hours always seem to fly by.
I had a lot of me time today- seems to be the reason I reflect on the day with a decent amount of satisfaction- though there is so much in the air.

I seem a weirdly unmotivated person lately. I have had strange thoughts that all seem to suggest that actually i do not want to do anything with my life.
i want to be cloistered!

but when i survey my life's course as of late, it seems to be calling me out, to be making me suddenly accountable. I have always detested the parable of the talents. I see that as my conflict this last week. I have no desire to be accountable for my "talents." I don't want to make any decisions that require that i use them, which i have already done! maybe i doubt them that much?

I recently read Virginia Woolf's A Room of One's Own and she exorts women to live by [our] wits. Blasted Woolf! how much easier to hide in a job that requires virtually no thinking!

So I sign up to perform for Life. Yeah, i did that. I said, Look , I am going out on my own. Give me opportunities and I will use them. Enable me, i will perform.

I didn't say that with conviction! I mean i said it because i was convinced of things that led me to deduce that that was the right thing to say.
is tres diferent!

Now i am feeling all the weight of making the "right" decision because it was right!

Last night i had a dream i was accepted to a very good PhD program. I was happy.
maybe my sleeping self is trying to motivate me.


Sandra said...

Oh Erica! I feel this same way. I stand up and say "I can do this" and immediately hunker down thinking "what the hell did I say that for?". Living up to one's potential is a scary thing. There is always the question of "will this be good enough?". The answer is "Yes of course it will be good enough and then some." I see other women who have taken the leap and I envy their courage. Of course many of them have more years under their belt and the experience to know that living any other way than what is true to ourselves is not living at all. You can do this. You already know that. :)

aola said...

You need to read, if you haven't, Women Who Run With Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes... and let that Wild Woman inside of you come out in all her wonderous glory!!!

She's in there - speaking to you in your dreams, urging you to take risks,sparking your creativity, aching to be free.

You know you can!!!

cv said...

I hope you don't mind a new poster...

I often go through periods of intense demotivation. Some days just converting oxygen to carbon dioxide is a struggle.

You are not alone. What helps me get motivated again is returning to what I love.

I am a photographer. When I get unmotivated, I'll get my camera out and just take photos of random stuff. Soon, I am into it again. It doesn't always work, but more often than not my passion takes over.

Don't get caught up in the idea of perfection. Just enjoy what you love.

Becky said...

send me your phone #.i'll call


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