Saturday, March 1, 2008

picture perfect: this is how my mind works

I've just spent more than an hour looking at design sites, featuring homes that are flooded with light and good taste, and i am sitting in my very cold, unstylish, basement.

We've been rolling right along here:working, watching tv, going to classes, judah-- so much demands lots of my attention. especially project runway!

i sometimes think i need to write a letter to my dad, that i need to get my thoughts out on paper. But seriously, would i ever finish that letter? it would be so long!
I have even tried just putting a few thoughts down, but one thought just leads to another and i can't seem to organize my thoughts. i am not satisfied with them when i re-read them.

I know he must be so sad and angry at me. I feel bad about that.

i'm sad we're broken up. i am sad in a way that... if i really think about it. . .i can start to cry and stop breathing and hear my heart beating in my ears.
my life is so f*ing messy- it is. and most of the time i am so frustrated that it is. i haven't come to terms with my life being what it is. I haven't come to terms with myself because, you and i both know, i am the reason that my life is the way that it is. I am profoundly messy- loosest of ends and feeling so threadbare-- i will not be able to cover my wreckage with my best efforts.
and i don't feel that my path is heading anywhere anymore. or, maybe, i feel i have been on this special and trying path to get somewhere but that when i get there, wherever There is, i will not have what i need to make it my There. I do not have the goods. I don't.

i guess i am rethinking the rethinking. What was the question? What i am doing with Chris?!
Chris is the first time i ever knew something didn't add up about me. Before him, everything made enough sense. But my falling for Chris was just weird, from the leftest of fields, he is just Other than anyone would have had for me and even i sometimes still wonder at what he means. Anti-thesis of all my former ideas. Opposite soul-fabric. Suddenly i have married a Dreamer.

Everything happened at night.
I can recall the privacy of my room, i can recall not wanting to be interrupted there. I can remember the retreat into my own world: mirrors and windows. shade and trees. i can remember nights on the picnic bench in front of my house and stars shining through the branches. My night and private self chose her husband. This is not a fictionalization, an enhancement through hyperbolic imagery. This is the closest thing to Truth i can tell about it.
That very private self i barely saw because She was not as yet connected to anyone or anything. Only in my room. only on my own. An un-self-concsious self .But now...
The choice to marry Chris was the first move toward being let out of that tower of privacy.
And sometimes, i just want to go back.

The person i was before Chris had no real hopes or dreams but I didn't have to worry about anything. Now i worry about everything.

i try not to.

6 comments:

Becky said...

have you ever read Zora Neale Hurston . . . this reminds me of her . . .
the night specter of you choosing is such a neat metaphor and then the day of you choosing to make that decision hourly . . .

Sandra said...

Be who you are, Erica. There is not room in this life to pretend to be what someone else wants.
Who else could there be for you besides Chris? Could anyone fill that space more perfectly?
I was always the sensible child in my family. You can imagine my parents shock when at 19, I hoped a plane to California to be with the man I loved. A man I had met through the internet of all places. The months before the move were filled with knock down drag out fights between my mother and me. She thought that her smart sensible daughter had lost her mind, but I knew that I had found myself in another and there was no way I couldn't go for it. This single choice has taken me on a far different path that my family or I could ever have imagined for me.
Life doesn't always conform to what we imagine it will be.

cv said...

You can never see the road ahead, only the turn that is before you.

Be yourself, all the time. This was a hard lesson for me to learn, I am (was) such a pleaser, always craving approval from everyone. It took me years to not be devastated if people didn't love everything I did all the time.

I was always "Cara the Servant Girl" at parties, the mender, fixer, maker of things. Then I'd pendulum way the other way into oblivion or self-imposed excile when my own pressures made me crazy.

Now that I really don't give a rodent's rectum what most people think, and just do my best for ME, I don't have the terrible 'I gotta run away' feelings.

My whole life was punctuated by running away....I guess I stopped running away from me.

Kristen said...

You know, you could write to your dad in chunks. Whether you send it or not, it might be good to get it out definitively.

RYC-I dunno. Just don't feel like it right now. Tired of worrying about what other people think about me and trying to get away from it.

Melissa said...

I second Sandra and Kristen... I'm always amazed at your honesty, and think you know yourself better than you give yourself credit for...the self that you are and want to be...

Becky said...

YOU ARE INVITED TO
An Internet Shower for Kristen
Date: 3/18/08
Place: Why on your blog of course . . .
What: This shower is to celebrate Kristen and the new life of Alyssa Star. To do that you might post a song, a quote, a poem, a piece of art that reminds you of the spirit of Kristen. Also, along with something inspired by Kristen, you might post a piece of wisdom or caring for Kristen to hold on her new journey into motherhood. Of course, in addition, you may also buy a traditional baby gift. If you do, we want to see a pic on your blog!!!
How: Post your gift on 3/18/08. I will create a link to everyone participating and post it on The Meantime.
Who: Anyone who loves Ms. Kristen. If you would like to participate but don’t have a blog, leave your email address in the comments below. The Meantime will be happy to post for anyone
RSVP in the comments of meantimeblog.blogspot.com

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