Tuesday, February 26, 2008

And you'd given me up for dead!

okay, so i am back from a visit to Chris's parents. The low light was something i think it wouldn't be fair to print and the highlight was going to have steak where i used to waitress. My word: that is the best steak i've ever had.

The trip afforded me a golden opportunity to be by myself, when the house was sleeping and still. I journaled eight pages, lists and drawings. I made plans, resolutions, maps and schedules. i felt whole for the first time in a long time. I felt unto myself, present and it was so needed. It almost felt like a spell and the saddest part about it is that it will almost certainly be broken.

I know that i do the breaking myself. I "check-out" all the time. I detach, as some sort of defense, but i do it so often i can't begin to guess why. The idea is that if you go back to when you checked out, right before it, then you can identify what triggers the defense mechanism.

My first guess is that my messy townhouse is making me check out. I hate it cluttery and messy. Maybe that is why cleaning it always feels so enlightenting.

Speaking of, i have lots of cleaning to do.


Lizzie W. said...

Glad you made it back safely. I was just about to call you to make sure you guys didn't get caught up in the snow.

Kristen said...

Clean, baby, clean! :)

cv said...

Visiting relatives seems lots like a poo sandwich to me. The only thing that varies is how thick the middle layer of poo is. There always seems to be some kind of 'something'....

I understand completely about the messy house thing.

When my place gets out of control - - and it seems so easy now - - It just makes me feel sad and that everything is pointless.

Part of the struggle of having such a little place is keeping things where they belong.

I'm glad you had some centering time, and It's good to see you back in cyberland.


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