I've been different lately, disconnected and quiet and wistful. i've been restless and bored.
I can't seem to get away from all my roles and my people, I can't seem to be by myself and i think it is what i need, though by this point, it would kind of be unpleasant, i think. it is like a hunger gone too long unfed that you are nauseous. you don't necessarily want food.
i don't feel like doing any one thing. i don't feel like myself and yet there is something pretty familiar about this feeling. i feel fussy and this room is a mess.
there is more than the blahs to this blah. I have been wondering at myself the past week, wondering where i think this is leading and seeing myself at not too special, not that gifted, not that smart. why do i think i will get into a good Ph.D program? why?
And at the same time, i know i have talent, it is just that i can see that so do many other people. many others, just in my classes, and there must be so many others with better qualifications that i have not ever met.
i have remembered a life before i was trying to make something of myself, a life in which something was made of me, and i have been wistful for the ease and entertainment of it.
i am wanting to hide from my life right now.
but instead, i am going to read two chapters from Invitation to the Psychology of Religion.
Try not to be jealous.