Monday, March 31, 2008

how does your garden grow?

I've been different lately, disconnected and quiet and wistful. i've been restless and bored.

I can't seem to get away from all my roles and my people, I can't seem to be by myself and i think it is what i need, though by this point, it would kind of be unpleasant, i think. it is like a hunger gone too long unfed that you are nauseous. you don't necessarily want food.

i don't feel like doing any one thing. i don't feel like myself and yet there is something pretty familiar about this feeling. i feel fussy and this room is a mess.

But, maybe,

there is more than the blahs to this blah. I have been wondering at myself the past week, wondering where i think this is leading and seeing myself at not too special, not that gifted, not that smart. why do i think i will get into a good Ph.D program? why?

And at the same time, i know i have talent, it is just that i can see that so do many other people. many others, just in my classes, and there must be so many others with better qualifications that i have not ever met.
i have remembered a life before i was trying to make something of myself, a life in which something was made of me, and i have been wistful for the ease and entertainment of it.
i am wanting to hide from my life right now.
but instead, i am going to read two chapters from Invitation to the Psychology of Religion.
Try not to be jealous.


cv said...

I understand this feeling.

I want to run away from myself, from my life, from all things me.

To go and never look back. The only problem is that where ever I end up, I'll be waiting there for me.

Just like every other time before.

Becky said...

so i've been thinking about this.
popped in my head when i was running last night.
of course, you have the talent, and so do others, but it's not just talent that counts. mostly, it is perseverance. life is a staying game with moments of brilliance. can you hold on to the promise of that life (ph.d) long enough to make it happen? or at least that is what it is for me. a staying game. if i leave this road of school because I'm not sure of the outcome it will be because I couldn't hold on long enough.


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