There may be something new on Chris' horizon and he is all aglow in the hope of it. It is hard for me to watch. I don't want him to be disappointed.
Judah and I are going to Texas this weekend. My youngest cousin is graduating from highschool and these kinds of celebrations are better attended than traditional holidays. My ninety-ish year old great aunts will probably be there and i want them to see Judah before, well, you know.
I will be buying a flip video camera to take it in.
Do you believe in Luck?
I don't. I always think good things happen because God loves me, though, strangely enough, I also tend to catastrophize the future. I visualize falling on my face in one way or another constantly. I expect to be found out for the fool I am everytime i make a decision which banks on God, banks on good things happening.
Today Chris tells me he thinks I get preferential treatment. He doesn't say by whom exactly but after ten years, it is well enough understood. Chris thinks God favors me, though he won't make any comment, right now, about Who God is or has been or will be, he won't--- he feels vague about all of that.
Most days, i admit, I do feel like God is interested in me, listening to me, helping me, observing. But i don't feel special, per se, like i have been singled out. more like i singled God out, constantly seeking an audience with God when i was younger, now has grow into a sort of continuous investment in the world as I experience it. So, where I used to closet myself in darkness to seek out God's voice, now i venture into the streets to figure out what Life is revealing to me, speaking to me, wanting for or from me. I've matured, but i am still the same girl.
and while i do feel like God pays attention, the special thing about me is only that I realize it.