Thursday, June 5, 2008

Lars and the Real Girl was good.

There may be something new on Chris' horizon and he is all aglow in the hope of it. It is hard for me to watch. I don't want him to be disappointed.

Judah and I are going to Texas this weekend. My youngest cousin is graduating from highschool and these kinds of celebrations are better attended than traditional holidays. My ninety-ish year old great aunts will probably be there and i want them to see Judah before, well, you know.

I will be buying a flip video camera to take it in.

Do you believe in Luck?

I don't. I always think good things happen because God loves me, though, strangely enough, I also tend to catastrophize the future. I visualize falling on my face in one way or another constantly. I expect to be found out for the fool I am everytime i make a decision which banks on God, banks on good things happening.

Today Chris tells me he thinks I get preferential treatment. He doesn't say by whom exactly but after ten years, it is well enough understood. Chris thinks God favors me, though he won't make any comment, right now, about Who God is or has been or will be, he won't--- he feels vague about all of that.

Most days, i admit, I do feel like God is interested in me, listening to me, helping me, observing. But i don't feel special, per se, like i have been singled out. more like i singled God out, constantly seeking an audience with God when i was younger, now has grow into a sort of continuous investment in the world as I experience it. So, where I used to closet myself in darkness to seek out God's voice, now i venture into the streets to figure out what Life is revealing to me, speaking to me, wanting for or from me. I've matured, but i am still the same girl.

and while i do feel like God pays attention, the special thing about me is only that I realize it.


Becky said...

sooo interesting.
i feel much the opposite, like he kind of tolerates me. i often think well, of course, that happened to so and so -- God likes her. like all other things in my life, i feel i fight for favor.

yet when i look closely i can see a better truth.

such a neat post.

Kristen said...

This is a neat post.

I chalked up some good fortune the other day to "karma or God or luck or something" and my mom nearly ripped my head off. (I exaggerate, but....) "Of course, it's God!" she says. I told her, I just feel funny saying God cares about these little things when people in 60,000 people in China are dead. I mean, really?

I don't know.

I hope things work out for Chris.

Sandra said...

I don't recall ever thinking God favored me. I do recall doing many things to try and win his favor. In reality I was only trying to win the favor of the people I thought he favored.
Your last statement rings true to me. My constant struggle is giving him credit for the good, and then wondering where the heck he was during the bad. I try to make everything balance out in the end, but I'm not sure that is how it ever really works.

I'm sending light Chris's way. :)

aola said...

I used to believe or at least I was told to believe (and did) that if you acted a certain way you could gain God's favor and totally believed that I did have God's favor but in the end figured out that I didn't. Good things happen along with the bad and I don't think either has much to do with God at all.

cv said...

One of my favorite sayings is

"I believe in luck; the harder I work, the luckier I get!"

I'm glad you feel special to God. That must feel neat. Here's to Chris too!

Lizzie W. said...

Wow. What a thought-provoking post.

I don't really equate good fortune with God's favor. I believe that sometimes his favor is shown by putting us in uncomfortable situations to encourage us to reach beyond. That's what I choose to believe in those hard times anyway.

I'm still thinking away on this one.

I love the last sentence by the way. In the end of it all, that's the answer.

Deborah said...

hmmmmmmmmmm. interesting post. i totally get chris' vageuness.

still working so much out in my head, and i totally think there is less and less brain matter up there for me to be figuring with.

btw, you do know how much we miss you and yours, right?


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