Wednesday, June 18, 2008

make it beautiful, make it true.

I decided, sometime now long past, that i would be honest. at least with myself.

My undergrad is in Psych and, as you know, I have had a breakdown experience, and along the way I converted to honesty and away from repression. I would think a thought, I committed, I would acknowledge it, no matter what.

even when my chest tightens, and my mind goes vertiginous at the possible implications of some one of my thoughts
i think it through anyway.
I choose to be brave as i walk through my mind.
i choose to look into corners with shadows and cobwebs, and invite the spider to tell me what it knows. secrets.
this is my path, it is singular at all times because only I can really walk it
everyone else is just hearing about it, second-hand.


after years on this road, i have come to a maze, I have come to Wonderland, I have come to ruin, I have come to despair
but
I have not often come to Beauty or Rest
I have not ever come to peace.
This is a deprivation.
every moment's repose has been an effort
so large are the questions
so few, and sometimes frightening, are the answers
I seldom think the thoughts I want to think
i rarely feel the way i always think I should
should...
should:
I would if i could.
My mind, it is a landscape unforgiving and too often bare.
And i know
i know that i am meant to paint it, to paint and to
make it,
beautiful
and true.
I have not yet found my tools.
I am hoping i am on my way.

5 comments:

cv said...

Honesty is the gift (and curse) you give yourself.

You are making it beautiful and true every day. I hear what you are saying, and I feel it too. Those memories and thoughts that you think, how can that possibly be right? That can't be real?

I am proud of you, all your hard work, it's analogous to clearing a garden plot of stones. Each stone cleared makes the land fertile.

My very best wishes to you.

E. Michelle said...

Thank you Cara...i really like your analogy, makes me feel hopeful.

Becky said...

lots to think about here.
does the beauty come with not just allowing the thought but accepting it?
still thinking.

aola said...

you are so young and are pulled in so many directions at this point in your life. you are required to be many things - wife, mother, student, employee, daughter, daughter-in-law and each of those roles pulls you in another direction. it was hard for me at your age to know who I was, me, just me. Who is Aola?
in my experience it gets easier to become more honest and true to your true self as you get older and those roles don't pull on you so strongly.
the peace and rest with who you are will come and you are way ahead by knowing to start looking now while you are still young.

Kristen said...

I love that you are seeking a real peace...not a false one from just refusing to accept your thoughts. Yes, yes, yes. Maybe the process, not the destination, is the peace.

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