Friday, May 30, 2008

Disconnect

I hope that one day you read this, and i hope that you know that i love you, no matter how we've passed the last twenty years, no matter what highs or lows govern the landscape between us.

I see you already doing the things i might do myself if I were you and
there are things i want you to know about what you are predisposed to do.


I think you gravitate toward inaccessible people, people whom, for whatever reason, do not actively seek you out. You energetically try to engage people who, for their own reasons, tend to be slower or harder to engage and who, if engaged, tend to disengage faster than others, faster than you would like...
you are so vulnerable and sweet, Judah.

you work hard to connect to me, but i am not the only one. i wouldn't make a generalisation about this if it were only me.

i have never known myself to be so thoroughly limited as when i am with you. you always want me: you want to snuggle, you want to play, you want to sleep in our bed, you want to stay up as late as we do, you want to go to work with me. You can totally overwhelm me.

i feel an enormous need to be alone. I stay up really late to be alone. I can't make a judgment on it right now.

Don't always be trying to connect , Judah. Don't always be trying. You are worth seeking out. You are worth finding.

Though, right now, i don't know how to be as emotionally present to you as i want to be.

I am not a bad mother, not a terrible mother. you are brilliant and chubby, generally smell good, and you show the beginnings of a sturdy self-esteem. recently someone told you that you are handsome. you sighed, looking a bit annoyed, and said " I know."

Hopefully, you will read this and be shocked. you will say--- you, mom? you felt like you weren't "there" enough for me?

But if you aren't, and you feel some sort of emptiness between us. . .please know i have never wanted to be More for anyone more than i have for you.

5 comments:

cv said...

I hope you write this out in longhand and tuck it away somewhere in his things or in your things so that he can read it one day.

Sandra said...

Beautiful post, Erica. I feel the same way with Erin and wonder if it will be the same when Hayden arrives. I have never felt more "less-than" than when I am with her.

Kristen said...

No words, but a "mmmm-hmmmm."

Kelli said...

Oh boy, this completely sums up motherhood.

Really beautiful!

Becky said...

beautiful post and thoughts.
reminds me a little of the hours, the writing, not your mothering.
i'm always wondering how i can be separate from those i love -- it'd be so much easier if we were all one organism.

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