part-time for real

i work part-time and I have been out of school for the last 7 weeks. I love it.
I get to take much better care of my two people, we eat in more often and get buried in laundry less often.

This week i will work a little more but only because last week I worked a little less, twenty three hours to be exact.

I have lost six pounds since school ended. I walk almost every night now, two or three miles, and i count calories. When i started I wanted to lose fourteen pounds. I have eight pounds to go on that, as you can figure out i am sure, and i feel better already. My walks are really challenging and even these six pounds are making all my clothes sit better. I aim for 17oo calories a day, and i aim to burn 300 of them on my walks, give or take a bit everyday.

After all this time, i now feel pretty full after a 500 calorie meal. Today I had something new that was so yum. Do you have Trader Joe's by you? well, if you do, you should definitely try the Roasted Red Pepper soup (sold in a carton). I mixed a dollop of Fage (greek style Yogurt) in and some chives and it was really creamy tasting-- for about 120 calories a cup.

What are your favorite low-fat or low-calorie go-to foods? I really want to know!
I am trying to get used to the idea that i will have to be eating this way for the rest of my life.

Judah has been so much fun lately. I think this will probably be my favoritest year in his life. and it is already half-over. boo!

Chris continues to wait for news that suggests his whole life is meaningful and destined and on-track. That news is hard to wait for and hard to watch him wait for.

I wish i could be friends with you people in the Real World.

love.

Romper Room

if you're reading this, i want you to know

I spent the last thirty minutes reading through old posts and the comments under them and I am feeling so grateful to you all. To all of you
Kristen (yay Alyssa!) and Aola and Cara and Sandra and Becky and Melissa and Liz and Katt and ...well you get it right? YOU.

oh, and you lurkers... you lurking friends: come out, come out wherever you are!

make it beautiful, make it true.

I decided, sometime now long past, that i would be honest. at least with myself.

My undergrad is in Psych and, as you know, I have had a breakdown experience, and along the way I converted to honesty and away from repression. I would think a thought, I committed, I would acknowledge it, no matter what.

even when my chest tightens, and my mind goes vertiginous at the possible implications of some one of my thoughts
i think it through anyway.
I choose to be brave as i walk through my mind.
i choose to look into corners with shadows and cobwebs, and invite the spider to tell me what it knows. secrets.
this is my path, it is singular at all times because only I can really walk it
everyone else is just hearing about it, second-hand.

after years on this road, i have come to a maze, I have come to Wonderland, I have come to ruin, I have come to despair
but
I have not often come to Beauty or Rest
I have not ever come to peace.
This is a deprivation.
every moment's repose has been an effort
so large are the questions
so few, and sometimes frightening, are the answers
I seldom think the thoughts I want to think
i rarely feel the way i always think I should
should...
should:
I would if i could.
My mind, it is a landscape unforgiving and too often bare.
And i know
i know that i am meant to paint it, to paint and to
make it,
beautiful
and true.
I have not yet found my tools.
I am hoping i am on my way.

Lars and the Real Girl was good.

There may be something new on Chris' horizon and he is all aglow in the hope of it. It is hard for me to watch. I don't want him to be disappointed.

Judah and I are going to Texas this weekend. My youngest cousin is graduating from highschool and these kinds of celebrations are better attended than traditional holidays. My ninety-ish year old great aunts will probably be there and i want them to see Judah before, well, you know.

I will be buying a flip video camera to take it in.


Do you believe in Luck?

I don't. I always think good things happen because God loves me, though, strangely enough, I also tend to catastrophize the future. I visualize falling on my face in one way or another constantly. I expect to be found out for the fool I am everytime i make a decision which banks on God, banks on good things happening.

Today Chris tells me he thinks I get preferential treatment. He doesn't say by whom exactly but after ten years, it is well enough understood. Chris thinks God favors me, though he won't make any comment, right now, about Who God is or has been or will be, he won't--- he feels vague about all of that.

Most days, i admit, I do feel like God is interested in me, listening to me, helping me, observing. But i don't feel special, per se, like i have been singled out. more like i singled God out, constantly seeking an audience with God when i was younger, now has grow into a sort of continuous investment in the world as I experience it. So, where I used to closet myself in darkness to seek out God's voice, now i venture into the streets to figure out what Life is revealing to me, speaking to me, wanting for or from me. I've matured, but i am still the same girl.

and while i do feel like God pays attention, the special thing about me is only that I realize it.