Disconnect

I hope that one day you read this, and i hope that you know that i love you, no matter how we've passed the last twenty years, no matter what highs or lows govern the landscape between us.

I see you already doing the things i might do myself if I were you and
there are things i want you to know about what you are predisposed to do.


I think you gravitate toward inaccessible people, people whom, for whatever reason, do not actively seek you out. You energetically try to engage people who, for their own reasons, tend to be slower or harder to engage and who, if engaged, tend to disengage faster than others, faster than you would like...
you are so vulnerable and sweet, Judah.

you work hard to connect to me, but i am not the only one. i wouldn't make a generalisation about this if it were only me.

i have never known myself to be so thoroughly limited as when i am with you. you always want me: you want to snuggle, you want to play, you want to sleep in our bed, you want to stay up as late as we do, you want to go to work with me. You can totally overwhelm me.

i feel an enormous need to be alone. I stay up really late to be alone. I can't make a judgment on it right now.

Don't always be trying to connect , Judah. Don't always be trying. You are worth seeking out. You are worth finding.

Though, right now, i don't know how to be as emotionally present to you as i want to be.

I am not a bad mother, not a terrible mother. you are brilliant and chubby, generally smell good, and you show the beginnings of a sturdy self-esteem. recently someone told you that you are handsome. you sighed, looking a bit annoyed, and said " I know."

Hopefully, you will read this and be shocked. you will say--- you, mom? you felt like you weren't "there" enough for me?

But if you aren't, and you feel some sort of emptiness between us. . .please know i have never wanted to be More for anyone more than i have for you.

I never got into Sex and the City, FYI.

This morning i put Judah on a plane with my mother. It wasn't that difficult for me, though I have been walking around in a melancholy state for the whole day and night. IT is quiet here and although I seriously dig that this is a BREAK! it really just feels like the party is someplace else. I miss my little Party.

Ofcourse I shopped all day and went to a movie with Chris tonight. Like I am a single girl with a boyfriend.

Now that the semester is over I feel incredulous. I feel doubtful that i will be able to make much of anything out of myself. I feel deluded, maybe delusional.. I also feel certain something good will come of my efforts, though they may not seem like so very much to anyone else. They have felt monumental to me.

In other more cheerful news: we get to go on a mini-vacation. We'll essentially be going to pick up Judah, but we'll get to spend a night in Dallas. I have lots of fond memories of Dallas, places i still think about haunting, and I am readier than ready to go to La Madeleine.

It'll be the first time Chris and I vacation without Judah.

Chris and i dated in Dallas. we had our first date at La Mad, ate BBQ at Pappas Brothers, shopped for too expensive groceries at EatZis. We strolled Highland Park Mall, I lost my purse in its little movie theater. I fell in love with Maggiano's and PF Chang's and my boyfriend in Dallas.

I'll try to post some pics.