Wednesday, July 29, 2009


I am in Boston and it has been lovely. Really lovely. It isn't like other places i have lived and i think i will be different here, i tend to adjust to my surroundings. I expect that i might inhabit Boston, not just live here.

We also envision being here for a long time, maybe five years, all of Judah's elementary school education (that would be six years, really) are possibly going to be spent here. It seems like an awfully expensive place to spend five years. But if I get into a great phD program here (in religion), then... well, we will SPEND six years here.

(Chris is getting ready for work and he looks fantastic. All the walking around has done him good.)

Today is my last day here, until September. Judah starts school on the 15th, so I am hoping to be here by the 7th, maybe even the 1st. I am still looking for a job. It is kinda scary.

I have been at points, so many points, like this before. I almost always miss my life's train, it seems. Last night we were waiting for the train and I got all caught up in reverie and I was staring out into the distance while everyone else was getting on. doesn't that seem impossible? to be so entranced at a subway station? Chris turned to me and called me and I snapped out of it, followed him onto the train.

I am a dreamer, but i have been so easily contented with just dreaming. dreaming is what i do, it is what i know, it is safe and familiar and wonderful. and my particular kind of dreaming has no connection to reality. I never expect for my dreams to come true

Chris isn't that way. He isn't about to dream away his life. He is angsty about doing something with it. In this way, i feel he is religious--spiritual-- if you will, about his life. He means to live it.
but it always becomes a crisis for me, that he wants to progress toward his dreams. It requires me to snap out of it.

I wish i could tell you how hard this is, how hard it has been, how being taken from my dream-world feels so threatening, wrong even.

My responding, my snapping out of it, it is my religion at its best. It is my being my most brave, most trusting, most sincere. I always worry about it, for my self, stretching so hard-- but then I reflect that for me, it is a matter of faith. and in my life, I want to be a risk-taker. I want to have meaningful faith.

I mean to move to Boston.


R said...

I love this post. The picture of you in thought at the subway, of Chris calling you back, of you hopping on board the subway, on board with life.

I am a dreamer, too.
But LC has helped me be more here, do more, live, I guess.
I was rereading Anne of GG last night. Thought of you, of all of us who embody Anne.
I like the idea of inhabiting -- I am trying that. . . I think it is working. It's one of the reasons I don't blog as much, or ever, I am busy being, doing, writing stuff that is getting work done in the world, not just in my head. It's a hard practice for me, and I probably need to balance it with some more bloggy-type writing.

This is meandering. . . sorry.

Melissa said...

I really like this...and I'm excited for you. Great things are accomplished when you are forced to....choose to...stretch. Live it out. It really is the very best. I'm also super excited for your move to Boston. I'll be praying for open doors in your job situation!

E. Michelle said...

it's true, anne is the patron saint of my childhood, but i revere her just as much now. love her world.
and i am feeling relieved to hear from you. I have been being and doing in Boston, as you say you are doing in your own life: it IS hard practice. You're meandering? You're dear to me.

I have been stalking you on Sugarbowl photography from time to time. It looks great. really.
I appreciate your cheerleading for me-- and am thankful for your prayers. your enthusiasm is so sincere... it inspires me. love-

Sandra said...

"doesn't that seem impossible? to be so entranced at a subway station? "

This reminds me of me. The one memory of NYC I keep returning to is of me holding Hayden in the subway station staring off into the blackness and dreaming of everything all at once.

Thanks for this update brave one.


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