Day's end

It's nearly midnight and i sit in this strangely hot room and wonder where the day has gone.
Judah went to pre-school today and the hours always seem to fly by.
I had a lot of me time today- seems to be the reason I reflect on the day with a decent amount of satisfaction- though there is so much in the air.

I seem a weirdly unmotivated person lately. I have had strange thoughts that all seem to suggest that actually i do not want to do anything with my life.
i want to be cloistered!

but when i survey my life's course as of late, it seems to be calling me out, to be making me suddenly accountable. I have always detested the parable of the talents. I see that as my conflict this last week. I have no desire to be accountable for my "talents." I don't want to make any decisions that require that i use them, which i have already done! maybe i doubt them that much?

I recently read Virginia Woolf's A Room of One's Own and she exorts women to live by [our] wits. Blasted Woolf! how much easier to hide in a job that requires virtually no thinking!

So I sign up to perform for Life. Yeah, i did that. I said, Look , I am going out on my own. Give me opportunities and I will use them. Enable me, i will perform.

I didn't say that with conviction! I mean i said it because i was convinced of things that led me to deduce that that was the right thing to say.
is tres diferent!

Now i am feeling all the weight of making the "right" decision because it was right!

Last night i had a dream i was accepted to a very good PhD program. I was happy.
maybe my sleeping self is trying to motivate me.