the moon

I am a mess this week in a really quiet and productive way. We are packing. I am running errands. I have done things the last few days that make me deeply proud of myself: things like getting the recalled part on my car door replaced. getting copies of judah's birth certificate. getting mail forwarded.

i have not gotten a job or a place to live and I have a week before i will be leaving the shelter of my townhome-- in which i am quite comfortable.

I am not too worried, but i think i should be. it is a lot for me to deal with. I think of Sandra in her home, i think of Becky in her home and I think that they have made it safely and that so will I.

Judah is with my parents and i miss him. I am, however, grateful for the space to process this move. it deserves processing. It is the continuation of a conversation I am having with God. I want to say my words, I want God to respond and i want to hear it. I do. Whatever is said, I want to hear.

I am not sure i would recommend the path I am on.

Goodies.

i bought two pairs of shoes while i was in texas. they look really good on my feet. better, maybe, than in the pictures. I got them for a song. i wish i meant that literally--because I LOVE to sing. did you know that? once kristen and I led worship together. she played the guitar and i sang. really!

Return of the Native

I've been in Texas.

Interesting things happen in Texas for me, to me--by me. Texas is like that place they sing about in Total Eclipse of the Heart-- we're living in a ... is it pollygag? polliwog? ... I give off SPARKS in Texas.

I always breathe a sigh of relief when i get into Oklahoma or Texas, though I probably should not.

My sister refused to walk the stage at her graduation. I had to convince her to come to her own graduation party scheduled for the next day. I mediated, made peace for them. that is no big surprise, but this time people, like my parents, said thank you to me. that is a positive step forward.

I also made it very clear that I would not ever intervene the way that i did again. I had to kiss my own incredibly spoiled little sister's emotional butt, if you will, to get her to come to the party. It made me angry and I let my parents know it. They said they wouldn't ever ask me again.

at least not for a long time, i am sure.

I also asked them to help me with my move to Boston. My dad is trying to see if he can help us drive from Chicago to Boston.

that is a bunch of steps forward.

He and Chris got along fine.

olympian strides taken there.

I still need a job in Boston.
I am not scared. yet.

Forthcoming.

I bet you want to know, maybe you do?, how i am feeling about Boston.

(thanks to those of you who asked.)

I feel the anxiety of the butterfly who really wants out of the cocoon but isn't sure she can fly.

I feel relief that I am going to try to do it anyway.

This is where i feel it, the rush, the firing of the synapses, the confidence of a person growing into herself, I feel all of that in the risk-taking. Not fool-hardy risk-taking for the sake of risk... but, like I have tracked down Life, stared it in the face and said, ok, give it to me. I can take it.

If i compare it to the move i made 13 or so months ago, i think this one is less a running away and more of a running toward.

It is true that I just caught my breath. but it is caught. and i wasted quite a bit of time just sitting on the sidelines of my life... i need to keep moving. I tend to fall asleep if i am not moving forward in my life.

feeling good about it.

secrets

word on the street is that we are moving again, for the last time ever. boston will be the place i grow old in. just kidding. but i will turn thirty there.

chris got the job he wanted there. that was the news he waited for, what he really needed to hear. it was slow in finalizing, but it is now final.

which means that he will be going to berklee school of music. his dreams are coming true. that is a great place to be, but also strangely like being in the center of a tornado. I feel calm, I feel sure, I feel right but the getting there, it will be a whirlwind and the implications, emotionally, will rearrange my soul.

All Shall Be Well; and All Shall Be Well; and All Manner of Things Shall Be Well.
(Julian of Norwich)

part-time for real

i work part-time and I have been out of school for the last 7 weeks. I love it.
I get to take much better care of my two people, we eat in more often and get buried in laundry less often.

This week i will work a little more but only because last week I worked a little less, twenty three hours to be exact.

I have lost six pounds since school ended. I walk almost every night now, two or three miles, and i count calories. When i started I wanted to lose fourteen pounds. I have eight pounds to go on that, as you can figure out i am sure, and i feel better already. My walks are really challenging and even these six pounds are making all my clothes sit better. I aim for 17oo calories a day, and i aim to burn 300 of them on my walks, give or take a bit everyday.

After all this time, i now feel pretty full after a 500 calorie meal. Today I had something new that was so yum. Do you have Trader Joe's by you? well, if you do, you should definitely try the Roasted Red Pepper soup (sold in a carton). I mixed a dollop of Fage (greek style Yogurt) in and some chives and it was really creamy tasting-- for about 120 calories a cup.

What are your favorite low-fat or low-calorie go-to foods? I really want to know!
I am trying to get used to the idea that i will have to be eating this way for the rest of my life.

Judah has been so much fun lately. I think this will probably be my favoritest year in his life. and it is already half-over. boo!

Chris continues to wait for news that suggests his whole life is meaningful and destined and on-track. That news is hard to wait for and hard to watch him wait for.

I wish i could be friends with you people in the Real World.

love.

Romper Room

if you're reading this, i want you to know

I spent the last thirty minutes reading through old posts and the comments under them and I am feeling so grateful to you all. To all of you
Kristen (yay Alyssa!) and Aola and Cara and Sandra and Becky and Melissa and Liz and Katt and ...well you get it right? YOU.

oh, and you lurkers... you lurking friends: come out, come out wherever you are!