Connected

I feel most here, in Illinois, when i am at home, cleaning. I feel more connected with my space when i am cleaning it. Probably because I have to notice it, bit by bit. I can be so wrapped up in the atmosphere of my mind that i miss the material details.

I keep thinking i would do better here if i worked four days instead of five... but i don't think it's financially realistic-- at this point anyway- we aren't even sure what IS realistic as we are just getting a solid idea of what our every month responsibilities will be.

WE have been eating at home more than I ever have before and- wow!- it is so much cheaper to eat at home. No wonder i ran out of money before the end of the month- seriously, I have eaten out enough times to last me a life time. no, really, THAT MANY TIMES.

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Judah and i spent the whole day at the mall--
we went for a costume. I know, it is last-minute, but i have issues with money. I can't spend it until... damn, it is the last latest minute and I MUST purchase-- a case of need, or it is under fifteen dollars. The best situation is a combination of the two. I know, i am weird.


So i went to a couple of stores with no real luck- then i went to the Children's Place and (more proof that the Universe is on my side) I found the Cutest little Dragon Costume EVER! for $4.99!
I don't even need to tell you how cute Judah looks in it...he fills it out great. I'll post pictures, k?
I am not sure if it's good or bad but even Judah listed the getting of the costume for "five bucks" as a highlight of our day. Is that too soon to teach bargain-hunting? what about plain ol' cheapness?

Did i tell you that Chris is working overnight and that i admire him for it? That he does an Incredible job about not pitying his lot too much?

Did i tell you that I am not cut out for the job i have? That i am not naturally detail-oriented and that i am in fact quite flighty about such things?
I knew that going into this position and i feel pangs of insecurity whenever i make dumb mistakes ( about three times a week!)

i was hoping to develop these skills...

today i watched a lot of TV.
Some Gilmore Girls...Rory Gilmore is my fashion muse, by the way.
Some Six Feet Under Season Five...damn great writing.
Some Five Days...damn you HBO with your premium prime time line-up.


Some resolutions:
tell my dad what he can do to make it up to me and Chris.
Develop Real Live Budget-- we've been rounding and guesstimating thus far.
Hold proper staff meeting.
Invest in ways to get music flowing throughout the house...I need music.
Take Chris out to show him how much i appreciate him.

Forgetting

if you want a fresh start, if you need one, i think you have to prepared to forget the past for a little while.

I feel so different from how i felt in San Antonio. I have been pondering the themes of proactivity vs. passivity. It sometimes becomes a mantra of Becoming Creative, Living Creatively.

I am enthused about this new chapter and its themes.
There is great continuity for me between what I have been before and what i am now becoming-- if i think about deconstruction as a precursor to construction-- winter becoming spring, the flow of life and ofcourse, death.

True that the dead of winter can sometimes feel final, can threaten forever with its chill.
But i am sowing now, is spring when you sow seed?
I am creating my own life! How fun! What a gift to find myself with the resources to define the moment, and God help me to seize it.

In the past week, i sense i have forgotten. There are steps i am taking, and in the taking i know that I could not have done the things i am now doing before. I remember that i could not, but i don't remember, really, the feeling of not being able to. And how invigorating to know feel myself able to. . .

To have the ear and Have the stomach

There are years that ask questions and years that answer.
Zora Neale Hurston

As you all know by now, i have returned to Illinois. I have returned, as if in a dream.
The incredible force it took to get here, that is all foreign to me, so i feel transported here, though indeed I brought myself here in a rented car.

And i bet you thought i would be happy. I bet you expect posts with picutres of my new life with a matching smile, and I may do that with our Halloween photos.

But right now what i know for sure is why i left Illinois in the First Place my dearests!
It was asking the most ridiculous questions. The most scary questions, questions ranging from the practical... how to pay for a baby while in school?. . .to the existential: what in the world am i going to do with my degree?

I opted out of that quiz. I strongly suspected that i was headed nowhere and courting poverty.
Moving back means i suspect otherwise now.

Oh to refuse to ask the questions, to live in San Antonio and play at a life with the most convenient answers, was absolute torture, the most exquisite pain at times.
Oh to move back, to listen to the questions, to ask them, to open myself to some other answer not yet written for me to read, not yet written by my own hand. . .
is not cake in the afternoon, darlings.

I am trying to create a life for myself and i am not creative in that sense... so accustomed to being a passenger, so pleased to let myself be overpowered have i always been that now, now the task of creaing my own way seems severe... severe!
i am now so easily frustrated.

Precious

A moment fully realized is the rare commodity. Am I the only one who wants to know? To peer into the fabric of the second that the words are uttered, the ones you hold to your heart like a talisman against the little deaths that bite at everything precious in a day. What is this symbiosis? Blood and breath fight meaningless and monotony. These are our struggles- to strengthen our pulses, to enlarge our lungs.

His eyes have a ring of mossy green inside a caramel tinged brown and they are more to me than anything has ever been. He sleeps upstairs and my world is balanced in that bed, so fragile am I now: I am no stronger than a three year old’s frame.

How could I not be religious? Be spiritual? When I know that the best parts of myself are walking around outside of me now and are designed to be my remains when I am gone from this earth. when I am in the earth still I’ll walk the earth.

The feet I wash with chocolate shampoo sometimes will carry my heart into the future.

So I pray.

We make tacos together the three of us, then we watch Scrubs.

Sponsibilities

i am in suddenly so responsible. no, scratch that. I am suddenly exceedingly aware of all my responsibilities and...
not that good at meeting them, though i am trying.
i Am Trying.
And still this job is kicking my butt. so much stuff to do and all of it multi-tasking and detail-oriented. MURDER!
it is killing me.


In other news, we have moved into a townhome. Really nice. it has a really nice layout! I have three levels. the first is a two-car garage and a room for Chris to play music in, the second and main floor is wooden througout- the kitchen, breakfast nook, dining room and living room. The upstairs is nicely carpeted, has a HUGE master bedroom and two other smaller rooms... one for Judah and one for my office.
fun.
and the boxes Are Everywhere.

the stress has been sky-high lately.

Moving Again

not away from Chicago! but we are hoping to secure a new little nest in the next week or so.

We met a realtor at a townhome this morning and it was a really good layout for us, near to an excellent elementary school, near to our friends.

There were, as to be expected, some minor details about the home that were less desirable to me. I am hoping that we could, should we get the place, change out the lighting.

Toward that end, we spent some two hours getting dazed and, yes, confused! at Ikea. I actually felt dizzed by the frenzy.

I have been hemmed in by traditionalist taste all my life and i have no idea how to be creative with fashion or home decor with any degree of self- confidence. Still, i think this part should be fun, so i am trying to get over my need for "correctness" in decorating myself or my place.

I've spent some time looking at funky wallpaper and cushions and i am thinking i will start there.
oh, and I think we are getting an ORANGE! couch.

if anyone out there has any good reasons why i should not be joined to an orange couch, please speak up.

Triumphalism

i haven't been blogging much lately-
part of it is that i have been busier than ever before
part of it is that i have been happier lately and i don't blog happiness as easily as melancholy and
part of it is, was. . .

embarrassment and fear.

We took a leap of faith in moving here, with no cars and only one job. on the outside, and even sometimes from the inside, that made me look/feel crazy at times. Who does that? Who moves with three year old without a place to live or transportation?

A desperate person can sometimes seem crazy- or be crazy.

I think i was a little crazy!

But i don't think the craziness was in the moving, but in the staying so damn long against myself, my own needs and wants.

Our lives were out of control, because we had given up control to someone not at all fit to make any decisions for us! That is what we did, in essence, by allowing ourselves- myself- to be manipulated so extensively.

Mayhem ensued.

Emotionally, psychologically, maritally...financially. All out of control.
I was bereft of any power over my own life because i had given it to someone else a long time ago and i didn't know how to get it back, how to appropriate it for myself.

So i did all i could, i moved. With no job or car, with nothing except enough money to last a little while.
Crazy move, but the only one i could live with.


So i haven't blogged about the transition because i wasn't sure what would become of us and i was embarrassed by it all, the irresponsibility!

At the same time i was praying for the opportunity to take responsibility and authority over my own life, i was feeling my most irresponsible and resource-less.

But i thought you should know,
now that I know, now that i know how the Universe has answered that
Crazy Leap of Faith:

We both got cars, great cars from carmax!

My job is what i asked for and expected and i am grateful for it!

Chris got the job we needed to make it here, in Chicago- a major promotion-- doubled his salary!

We feel great about our crazy decision. Sometimes a person has to get a little desperate to make a necessary chage- rock bottom or what you will.

Thank you for your patience and for the hand-holding.

more to come.